Drunken Argument for E.T.
E.T. is a peaceful creature by nature. For the sake of this argument, though, let’s assume that E.T. has shown up ready to kick some ass and be super-aggressive. He’s is going to win this fight for a few simple reasons: firstly, E.T. has healing powers. As long as Alf doesn’t kill him, E.T. will have the ability to heal his own wounds and bring himself back to 100% health. Offensively, E.T. has a decisive advantage, in that he possesses telekinetic powers. He was able to make Elliot’s bike fly in ET, so he’ll definitely be able to levitate himself. He could also easily pick up Alf (who weighs far less than a kid on a bicycle) and throw him around like a soggy rag doll in a dryer. Aside from that, E.T. is also a master of electronic circuitry. He jerry rigged an interstellar communication device out of a f*ckin’ speak and spell and a saw blade. Therefore, it’s safe to assume that if there’s anything electrical in the vicinity of this fight, E.T. will be able to make some sort of badass, Tesla-inspired laser gun that will instantly transform Alf into a pile of charred Melmacian fur and sarcasm. These advantages will compensate for E.T.’s disadvantages, namely his lack of mobility and weak immune system. With E.T.’s telekinesis and electrical prowess, the fight won’t even last long enough for Alf to get him sick. This one goes to E.T., hands down.
Drunken Argument for Alf
If this fight is taking place on Earth, then Alf has this fight won, no problem. Alf comes from a war-torn planet. He’s one of a handful of survivors to make it through the nuclear destruction of his homeland. He’s a warrior and a blood-thirsty predator. This is something you can’t just learn overnight. It’s in his blood. This is best demonstrated on Earth by his constant desire to hunt, murder, and eat cats. E.T. is a passive, stumpy-legged, clumsy pacifist. Therefore, I will now refer to him only as "Gaylien". Alf lacks the weird, half-assed powers that Gaylien has, but he completely makes up for it with his superior intellect. This is best demonstrated by his ability to pick up the English language so quickly, and by his keen sense of humor. Gaylien’s English vocabulary consists of a few basic words thrown together, so that he sounds like a dying taxi cab driver trying to deliver a final message to his family. Also, Gaylien’s ability to make random objects float is a non-factor. These weaknesses are compounded by the fact that Gaylien lacks the antibodies and immunities necessary for Earth survival. Alf is covered with dirty, matted fur and he eats anything, including garbage. There’s no doubht that he’ll show up to this fight filthy and disease-ridden. It’s very likely that, a few minutes into the fight, Gaylien will begin to weaken, turn white, and dry up like a piece of dog shit left in the summer sun. This will give Alf the opportunity to wrap his calloused hands around the dying Gaylien’s neck and deliver a fatal blow. Alf wins.